Alone
by Merlin Lover
Summary: In so many things Merlin was alone. Just a short one shot about his feelings for Freya and how he must cope as always, alone.


**This is a short thing that came to me and just had to write about Freya and Merlin**

**disclaimer: i do not own Merlin *SHOCK HORROR***

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Merlin sat stark still as the dancing couples twirled around him. From the quiet shadows of the crowded room he had never felt more alone. It's not that he wasn't happy for Percival and Rebecca or Arthur and Gwen. It's just that each kiss and embrace they shared was a bitter sweet reminder of what he could never have. As the song swirled into a slow waltz taunting him, a solitary tear rolled down his cheek into him frayed neckerchief. Frayed, he tried not to think of a word, frayed, Freya.

At first it had been ok; Leon was the first to find love in the shape of Maria. A serving lady at the tavern Gwaine so often dragged him to. But all was ok, when the knight and Maria were together an excuse to hide or shy away completely was easily found, and emotions hidden behind a wide smile and easy banter with the other knights

But as they too found love finding a place to hide became harder. Merlin often found himself alone in the armoury night after night to escape the couples. In some ways this was worse. His mind raced away with his heart, thinking of impossible possibilities. Guilt filling his soul. Soon everything reminded him of her. A lone glass of water at Arthur's plush bed side would become **her **lake. The fruit in the kitchen would remind him of strawberries he had failed to produce for her. He had failed her.

The servant often felt that each time he felt happy he was betraying his love. But he couldn't grieve forever. It was times like the balls and feasts when his feelings welled up threatening to overflow from a precarious container.

Merlin let the tear go, hoping to keep his feelings deep down inside him. There was no point in bothering Arthur he thought. This was a burden he must carry alone. Alone again in so much he was alone.

From his spot at the side the young warlock could see many other lone figures. He wondered how long it would be before they got married. Isabella would surely be next; everyone knew she and Oliver were madly in love. On the other hand there were rumours that sir Gwain was planning to propose Lady Katharine very soon. Merlin didn't particularly care who was first they each had someone, whether they knew it or not. So did he.

People often thought that Merlin didn't have anyone. Some thought he didn't like any one that way. Whilst others thought there wasn't anyone good enough for him; how wrong they were. Merlin smiled slightly at this thought, wondering if she was smiling at him. She concluded she probably was. Was. He cursed himself she wasn't anything, she is! Will always said our loved ones just go to heaven but Merlin had never believed that. Merlin knew, well perhaps, that just because his love wasn't here with him, didn't mean she wasn't with anyone. Merlin hoped with all his heart that she was happy. Just because a boat has gone over a horizon and looks small doesn't mean it is, that ship is just as big and beautiful as ever even if we can't see it. "Freya is still beautiful to me" he thought as Arthur commented audibly how beautiful his wife looked tonight. Freya would always be beautiful to him.

The song ended and the couples departed slowly off to their rooms. Merlin was grateful for this. He heaved himself of the cold hearted floor and walked along the wall to the passage through the castle. No one noticed him leave. It didn't take him long to reach the turning to his chambers, but his feet didn't agree. Carrying him instead to an empty room used mainly for storage. He slid down into a rickety chair and let himself go. Letting all his feelings pour out in silent tears falling into trembling hands. Merlin didn't know how long he stayed like this. The room got steadily darker around him until eventually he couldn't see around himself. This suited him well; he was ashamed of his actions and not being able to see his tears somehow made it better. Even if he had wanted light he doubted he could bring himself to light the candles. This had been the room where he had taken candles from to light Freya's cave.

When all tears evaded him he and he was finally still he began to make his way home. Not his real home in Freya's arms but his temporary home as he liked to think of it, until he could be with her again….

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**thanks for reading this is just a one shot unless i get enough demand and then posibly a two shot :D thanks again reveiws and suggestions welcome xxx**


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